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Is There Anybody There

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  • Is There Anybody There

    I started chatting to a midget on a night out. "You seem like a nice, trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked. "Looking for a good time are you?" she said, smiling. "No," I replied. "I've lost my key & you're the only person that could fit through my cat flap."

    An elderly couple were in church.. The woman whispers to her husband, "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" He softly replied, "Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

    My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day. I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?” She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

    Quasimodo was lying on the square outside Notre Dame cathedral, every limb broken, broken back, blood pouring out of every orifice, he looked up at the battlements and said, "Esmeralda, this is not what I meant when I asked you to toss me off"...

    Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? A: It’s not hard.

    My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby." I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

    My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure. She couldn't take it any longer.

    Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? The girl who can eat the last donut.

    I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

    I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked. “I’m a Paralympian,” he replied. “Boxing?” I asked. “No, … hurdles.”

    I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic... I was in Daniel.

    I'm learning how to become a more sensitive lover. I bought a DVD called, "How to improve your foreplay technique." It was really good. I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning obviously.

    I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

    When my girlfriend found out I'd swapped the bed for a trampoline, she hit the roof....

    I was standing at the bar last night, when someone hit me round the back of the head with a prawn cocktail.... When I turned around he said that's just for starters....

    I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey... But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

    I overdosed on Viagra once it was the hardest day of my life.

    Can't believe it! Fired on my first day as a bus driver. A gorgeous big busted lady got on and asked me if I was going to Oldham? So I obliged !!!

    It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church. Wife waiting at altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled and closed the bloody lid.....

    My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing..... At first I didn't believe it but when I got home all the signs were there......

    When we moved to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch in Wales, I thought I'd take my son along to give the local football team some support. That was until some idiot started shouting.. "Give us an L ..."

    Two Nuns in a bath..... One says "Where's the Soap"... The other says, "Yes it does, doesn't it"

    Two old women meet up in a cafe one morning. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?" Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

    Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said "No its going in the lounge

    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

    I had a nasty surprise when I walked in on my Thai girlfriend serving up dessert in just her underwear. Spotted Dick.

    Reports are coming in of a huge explosion in a baking powder factory. Police are expecting casualties to rise.

    In the pub last night and a git called my wife a pig. "Don't listen to him, Babe" i said.

    My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

    A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got 5 willies"..... The Doctor says, "My God, how do your pants fit"..... The man replies, "Like a glove".....!!!

    I asked the barber for a number 2 all over. I've now washed my hair six times and I still can't get rid of the smell.

    Eskimo comes home from fishing to find his wife crying. "What's the matter ?" he asks. Wife replies ''My mother has just died" Eskimo slaps her round the face. "What the hell was that for?" she asks. "That's for making me smile when I've got chapped lips!"

    The guy who wrote the "Okey Cokey" has just died, it took them 3 hours to get his legs in the coffin!

    Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

    A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. He replies, "Those are my golf balls." “Is that like tennis elbow?" She asked.

    A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.

    Got some Viagra to treat my sunburn... It wont soothe the burn but it'll keep the sheets off my legs.

    I'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend... Roll on Saturday

    I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, his brother and mates handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it" he said giggling... It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the sods were trying to pull... Carlsberg!

  • #2


    • #3
      Up to your normal high standards mate


      • #4
        Love the paralympic hurdler one most! All good as always mate 😀
        Team south- 2014 talk angling inter regional team champs
        Alwight tweacle?


        • #5
          Stevie Wonder🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


          • #6