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Here We Are Again

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  • Here We Are Again

    A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel ,blankets or sleeping bag,extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. 24 hour supply of food and drink de - icer , rock salt, torch spare batteries. Safety triangle tow rope , petrol can, first aid kit - jump leads . . . I looked a right pillock on the bus this morning.

    I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

    I don't see what the fuss is about same sex marriages. Me and my wife have the same sex all the time. Boring.

    During labour, the pain is so great that a woman... Can almost imagine what it's like to have man flu.

    During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

    As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought, “Really need to get that toilet fixed.”

    A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?" The hostage replies, "Yes." The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head. He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?" "No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"

    I love parking my car in Manchester's Gay Village. It is the only place in the city centre where there are no double yellow lines. No-one will bend over to paint them.

    "Float like an octopus, sting like a clock." - Muhammad Dali

    I think it's sad that a General in the Army has told The Mail that he is worried what people will think when he comes out as Gay. It should be nobody else's business what he does with his privates.

    Last night I played poker with a thalidomide. Couldn’t work out what he was thinking. Kept his cards very close to his chest.

    Just found out the bloke who invented urinal cakes for public loos has died. May he rest in .

    My nephew was born without eyelids. The surgeon said 'It's okay we can circumcise him and construct eyelids from the foreskin' Now the poor little kid’s cock eyed.

    Does anyone give their mobiles a nickname? I do My first one I called 'Diana', because it always went dead in tunnels. My second one I called 'Maddie'. I lost that one on holiday in Portugal. The one I have now I call 'Rihanna', because sometimes I have to hit it to turn it on

    If you're being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

    The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%

    Found out today I’m going to be a father. I hope the wife doesn’t find out.

    One night I managed to make love for an hour and two minutes. It was when they put the clocks forward.

    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

    I was in a hospital, and this nurse came up to me and said:
    "Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
    O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
    Wi' bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
    Wi' murd'ring pattle!"
    It was the Burns Unit.

    A bloke is rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside, "Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?" "Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

    A man lay sunbathing in a nudist colony with a bowler hat covering his genitals from the sun. A few minutes later a woman walks by,'If you were a gentleman you would have raised your hat,' she said. ' If you weren't so ugly the hat would have raised itself.' the man replied.

    I got drunk the other night and ended up bedding a fat bird. The next morning I said " Here, if you want to see me again, ring this number" She said "Aawww, men don't usually give me their numbers" I said "It's not mine, it's Weight Watchers!"

    As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way. I think, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

    I can't believe the RSPCA are threatening to prosecute me for trying my jokes out on my pet parrot... This is Polly tickle correctness gone mad!

    I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one whisky before going to bed. Last night I went to bed eight times...

    The missus and I decided to have a clear-out and have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We haven't had any bids yet but there's thirty-four watchers.......

    "When I got home I saw my dad in the garden, stretched over the lawnmower crying. So I asked my mum what's wrong with him? she said he's just going through a rough patch"

    My wife screamed, "There's a spider on my head! There's a spider on my head!""Stay still love" I said, as I rolled up a newspaper.....around a wine bottle.

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed , at first I was afraid ...then I was petrified....

    I've just had a letter back from Screwfix , they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency .

    My budgie got out of its cage and assaultedthe dog, I've got some puppies going cheep if you're interested...

    Why are married men heavier than single men? Single men come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

    A lorry carrying a load of snooker equipment has crashed on the M25... The driver is under a rest and the cues go back miles!

    Q: What's stiff and excites women? A: Elvis Presley!

    Murphy goes to the doctor, says "I'm worried about my penis, I think it looks like a little rocket ship", The doctor says "What does your wife think?" Murphy replies "She’s over the moon!"

    A wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

    A man walks into an Ann Summers shop, and asks for a see through negligee, size 54-52-58. The assistant looks at him and says," Why the hell would you want to see through that?".

    Purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say "Remove cap & push up bottom" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

    Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife The judge asks "Why do you keep beating her" Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork.”

    My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet. She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers." I said, "I'm not, I'm just getting used to the smell of pee”

    Every year hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school, never to be heard from again.

    Just because she weighed as much as two women... doesn't mean you had a threesome.

    My mum stormed into my room & screamed 'You’ll go blind if you do that”. I was so terrified I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse.

    I’ve successfully grown a field of dildos, but now I have a problem with squatters...

  • #2


    • #3
      One of those is a Brendan Healey Joke

      "At the end of the day it's another day over" Les Misérables - Victor Hugo


      • #4
        One of our favourite pastimes as kids was dunking Gingernuts in Steaming Hot Tea - These days, that's classed as Bullying!!!!

        That's from "Mock The Week" - So what!!!

        Keep it up Bill - Titter ye not. (Frankie Howerd)

        The name of the band was Showwadde' Wadde' (Hugh Dennis)
        Last edited by martin56; 7th February 2018, 03:24 AM.
        [B]Fishin' Best Fun Ya' Can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On!![/B] And Can't do with sycophants!!.


        • #5
          Originally posted by martin56 View Post
          One of our favourite pastimes as kids was dunking Gingernuts in Steaming Hot Tea - These days, that's classed as Bullying!!!!

          That's from "Mock The Week" - So what!!!

          Keep it up Bill - Titter ye not. (Frankie Howerd)

          The name of the band was Showwadde' Wadde' (Hugh Dennis)

          [B]Fishin' Best Fun Ya' Can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On!![/B] And Can't do with sycophants!!.


          • #6
            At least he's now ( Jewelry Jewelry) in the best possible place!! - Dead!!

            Jim fixed it for us all
            Last edited by martin56; 8th February 2018, 03:50 AM.
            [B]Fishin' Best Fun Ya' Can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On!![/B] And Can't do with sycophants!!.