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It’s Christmaaaaaaas!

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  • It’s Christmaaaaaaas!

    The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today. He was a good boy. Yes he was.

    I was in Liverpool yesterday, I thought I’d spotted a superhero when I saw a man running down the street wearing a cape, but it was a false alarm, just turned out to be a Scouser who hadn't paid for his hair cut.

    A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says “Some bum’s got my pen!”

    Maths made simple. If you have £20 and your wife has £5, she has £25.

    My wife as left me because I spent all our savings on a penis enlargement. She couldn't take it any longer.

    I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

    They can now sell viagra over the counter... Mind you if you can get it over the counter, you don't need viagra.

    ‪I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy git" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

    A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world. Not during a rectal exam though, according to my doctor.

    My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust! Fromage frays.

    Some people see images of our lord and saviour in their toast. Some see him in the clouds. Now it seems to be in toilets. Every time I have a number two at work I always hear the person who goes into the cubicle after me say, "Jesus Christ".

    Did you hear about the dyslexic gynecologist? He wants to look at your vinegar.

    Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow. "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” “Sticks.” Paddy replied.

    Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing. She’s behind with the washing!

    I've learned one thing after my trip to New York. Never trust a homeless guy who's selling warm lemonade to you.

    The plane was about to crash - the pilot called out, "Anyone on this plane believe in the power of prayer?" A vicar's hand went straight up. "Thank God for that!" said the pilot. "We're one parachute short.”

    If reincarnation exists I want to come back as a spider so I can finally hear a woman say "Oh My God...... It's HUGE!".

    I went to the doctor and he said “Don’t eat anything fatty” I asked “No pizza? No burgers?” He replied “No fatty, just don’t eat anything”

    Me and the wife planned on doing some naughty school girl and the headmaster role play last Saturday.... ... ... Things got a little awkward when we both turned up in the same uniform.

    My Boss has brought in some changes, we're now an entirely paperless office. Going to the toilet really isn't very pleasant these days!

    How do you make a snooker table laugh? Reach in its pockets and tickle its balls.

    A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide... Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?

    I've found out how to make Windows run faster. I installed the French version.

    Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

    My hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

    I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank I gave her a right mouthful!

    I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife... He's been proper miserable lately!

    My boss just announced he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I’ve a hunch it could be me.

    I was awoken this morning by a huge scream, at first I thought it was a nightmare. Turns out I'd crashed the bus.

    What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to Children in Need.

    I smuggled my coke through customs by sticking it up my bum. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

    Lads, just a reminder that the Premature Ejaculation Society dinner tonight. No dress code, just come in your pants.

    I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night so I tried to put it out of its misery. Took three bloody hours to wring its neck.

    After 100yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.

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    • #3
      Fisherbill are you Ken Dodds love child ,
      MR. BLUE SKY