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Long Time, No See.

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  • Long Time, No See.

    Airport security has been stepped up following reports that ISIS have started hiding explosives in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. An insider said,”If one goes off it could spell disaster”

    Some blhoke hit me over the head with a power tool. I was just standing there minding my own business and Bosch!

    I invented the rubber sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.

    So this Halloween i'm dressing up as the Champions League trophy to scare the hell out of Arsenal fans.

    Went to a swinger’s party last night in my army uniform. Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.

    Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She’s very tidy downstairs though.

    After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

    I went into a sex shop today. I was really shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost! She's been sitting on a small fortune!

    Finally found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in. The distance.....

    I was chatting to my wife and said "When I die I will leave everything to you" She replied " You already do you lazy sod"

    I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've got four letters left. They mean nothing to me.. O V N R

    Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

    How do you make a Pirate angry? Take the P out of him.

    I have sex daily. Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia…

    Help ! anyone know how to cancel an e-bay bid? i tried to buy a Mickey Mouse outfit for Hallowe’en and now I’m 6 mins away from owning Liverpool football club.

    What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs? Gracias.

    My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
    I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.

    Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water. Number 1 Number 2

    Don’t want to panic anyone, but I'm posting this from Intensive Care. Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

    Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 month's of training wasted.

    I bought a top of the range Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver. So I’ve spent all that money and i've got nothing to chauffeur it.

    A Welshman is taking his driving test The examiner asks "Can you make a u turn" The Welshman says "No boyo but I can make its eyes water!"

    If you're on the motorway and the person driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing. She's changing lanes!

    GILLETTE: Please rename your new ball razor. Sent from A&E

    I got so drunk last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

    My wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.

    Am trying to fish without facing the lake, I’ve made a rod for my own back.

    Me: You should go braless more often. Wife: Is it my breasts jigging up and down? Me: Nope, it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

    Professor Stephen Hawking reached seventy five in January this year. That is one awesome wheelchair.

    My Girlfriend’s upset 'cos she lost her legs in a car crash. How about me? I bought her a pair of jeans for her birthday and can't find the receipt.

    My brother shockingly lost his life over the weekend. He tragically got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.

    What has two grey legs and two brown legs? An elephant with diarrhea.

  • #2
    Better than ever. Thank you


    • #3
      Always great.


      • #4
        You get better every time
        I am sat here in agony after my op ,trying not to laugh .
        Never mind another handful of Painkillers ,i think
        You have cheered me up Thank you!!
        You are Brilliant