I called the Incontinence Hot Line number, the voice asked, "Where are you ringing from"? I said, "From the waist down!"

As I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said, "Any last words?" Three hours later, I shot her.

The nurses at my grandads' old peoples home have nicknamed him Spiderman. He can't get out of the bath on his own.

"What do you like more" my wife asked "Christmas or sex?" "Christmas, of course!" I replied "Why's that?" "Because that happens more often!"

How do you know an Essex girl is having an orgasm? She drops her chips.

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

A son asked, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight" Dad, I only see two."

Little known fact: Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, then the pressure got to him.

My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more", Great bloke.. Terrible anaesthetist.

Someone's stole my Willy Warmer from the washing line! I'm not bothered about the warmer, I just want the 40 pegs back.

I have no idea how my wife died, your honour. All I know is she was alive when I buried her.

A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?" I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"

Girl: "Come Over" Guy: "I'm coming over" Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

Does anyone know how long you cook these "boil in the bag fish" that you win at the fun fair?

I got a new job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning but the sods talked me out of it!

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

I think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite.. He has a Wigan address.

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter" "Thanks Dad" "No problem Alan"

My wife said she'd only slept with three people before we met. I wouldn't mind but I was only 30 minutes late!

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless.. Just remember.. It's someone's job to fit indicators to BMW's.

My girlfriend said if I donít do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me. It's put me in a very difficult position.

Just sent Jurgen Klopp a video of me walking the dog so he can show the team how to hold on to a lead.

Mourinho has promised Man United fans that they will be in a major European competition next year. Even if he has to write the song himself

Paddy's been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.

The Arsenal team visited an orphanage in North London. ďItís heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,Ē said Bradley aged 6. (I know it's an old 'un but, as a Spurs fan, I've waited a long time to say it.)

Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no clue about what the hell he's done wrong.

My wife stepped out of the shower "I shaved down there, you know what that means don't you?" "Yeah, the bloody plug is clogged again."

I came home today to find my washing machine had broken down and started to leak. It's that time of the month again.

I went for my first prostrate examination today. The doc gave me the thumbs up.